Have you ever wanted to go to places the U.S. State Department lists as “Do Not Travel” to meet new people, make money, and dodge death? Now’s your chance. The world of Private Military Contractors (PMCs) is exploding (pun intended). It’s reminiscent of 2003, after the invasion of Iraq, in terms of the number of jobs out there. Among the list of places you can travel are Haiti to fight gang members, Venezuela to protect oil infrastructure, and Gaza to deliver food to starving people as they chant “Death to America.”
Making the Best of Bad Decisions
Don’t call your travel agent yet. There are a few things you should do before accepting the job offer you saw on Facebook to set yourself up for success. Grab a napkin and some crayons to take notes. You’re about to learn from the poster child of what not to do while putting your life on the line for cash. Since you already have what you need, use the crayon to scrawl your will, so your family doesn’t argue over who gets your television if you don’t return. Buckle in baby birds, it’s time to eat.
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Set a Goal:
Have you ever been to a Walmart and seen a guy way too old to be working, and wondered, “What did he do to still need to be working at this age?” That can be you if you play your cards wrong as a PMC.
First, set a goal for yourself. You may want to pay off your house, save enough for your kid’s college, or have $200,000 cash in the bank. Whatever it is, write that down (in green crayon). If you don’t, your goal could turn into paying for a third divorce, paying the mortgage on your old house where your first wife lives, or keeping the repo man from taking your sweet Land Rover.
Setting a reachable goal flips the paradigm from needing to go overseas for money to deciding if you want to continue being a PMC. You’re going to make more money than you would stateside – if you’re not, why are you risking your life? Don’t squander it all in the first month you’re home, or you’ll have to go back, like me. After my first contract, I bought a Land Rover and burned through cash like Lindsay Lohan on a bender in 2008. I was making good money, but it wasn’t Freaky Friday cash.
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Track Your Money
You risked your life for money, so you need to track every penny. If I had a dollar for every story I’ve heard from a former PMC about how their ex-wife, family, or accountant stole money, I’d have hundreds. That’s a lot considering how small the community is. Then again, none of us were making sane life decisions by joining Blackwater in 2004, so it tracks. If you don’t have someone you can trust with your money, get a lawyer, set up a trust, and make sure it goes to the people you love when you’re being flown home in a casket.
Get out a blue crayon and write this down. Pay your taxes. Uncle Sam doesn’t care that you’re overseas making money. If you have a U.S. Passport, he will find you like a mafia enforcer and shake you down for an envelope of cash. “But Uncle Sam, I have no cash” doesn’t work with the mafia or IRS.
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There is a Foreign Earned Income Exclusion for taxes if you spend 330 days working overseas in a 12-month period. This allows you to exclude the first $120,000 from taxation. Please don’t take my word for it. Hire someone to do your taxes. You can afford it. Honestly, you can’t afford to because Uncle Cheddar is damn near guaranteed to take a hot look at your taxes when you go from making minimum wage to making six figures.
Can you become a PMC?
If you don’t have a military or law enforcement background, no. I get it. Why spend all that time getting trained to kick ass when you’ve already watched Rambo: First Blood on repeat for 96 hours straight, without a bathroom break? It’s impressive, but it’s not going to get your foot in the door. If you haven’t been to Basic Training (you can read the Skillset Magazine article here), you’re not getting in.
Contracting firms make money by letting someone else pay to train you. Then, they add in some skills specific to the job, sprinkle in some driver training, and, poof, they’re ready to sacrifice your life for their bottom line.
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The cooler the training, the easier it is to get hired. If there has ever been a movie made about your former job (GI Jane and Blackhawk Down come to mind), you’re in. SWAT, sniper, and medics also garner much interest. In fact, if you want to be a PMC, become an 18D or EMT-Intermediate. They usually make more than the regular hired guns, and every contract needs them. Dog handlers also get a lot of work, which is great until the dog sniffs a car, sits down, and your attorney is reading your will off a napkin to your loved ones.
What to Bring with You
Before we get into what to take, understand that anything not bolted down or attached to your body calls to the locals like a Circle K hotdog calls to a drunken college junior – they can’t resist having it. The guys you work with, they’ll steal it also, but call it “reallocating resources.”
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Everything you own should be pink. Yes, pink. No one steals pink stuff – it’s why Paris Hilton has been able to stay rich. Your towels, soap holder, toothbrush, comb, and everything should be pink. The likelihood of it being taken is low; if it is, you’ll spot it instantly as it drives off on the back of a moped. At least you’ll be able to say goodbye.
Get a great pillow. You probably saw 100 My Pillow commercials while watching Rambo, but Mike Lindell won’t save you. Spring for a Tempur-Pedic. I highly recommend the one with cooling gel. You’ll sleep like a baby, and sleep is the one commodity you don’t want to be without where you’re going. Use a pink crayon to jot that down on your napkin.
Finally, use the company-issued stuff initially and buy better stuff when you arrive. Guaranteed someone is upgrading their kit and will sell you their used stuff for cheap. It may smell like a dead goat, but that’s the smell of pure masculinity. Soak it in. No one cares what you smell like overseas, anyhow.
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Are you Ready?
Now you have everything you need to be PMC…or whatever other term you want to call it. Go. Make your money. Hang out with some of the coolest guys on the planet while you’re young and use it as a stepping stone to a better life, or make it a career. Set your goals, reach them, and assess what you want to do from there. If nothing else, you’ll have hilarious stories to tell your grandkids when they interview you for their 5th-grade project. Safe travels.
